Sunday Scribblings…Night

The sunsets on the thorns of darkness.
Arizona 2008

Sunday Scribblings

Night

I live most happily in the sun. It feeds my emotional balance and is somehow a requirement for me to live. I would die without the day times of my life. Working at night, thinking at night, even smiling during the darkest of night cannot happen for me.

When the night crawls up on my doorstep, I quit seeing and feeling. I must hide in a place where it cannot find me. Creatures both big and small know where I live and come to seek me out. I feel that those I love are in danger and will somehow never return home.

When the clock strikes, midnight I crawl under something… a blanket, a mattress, a bed, and wait holding my breath afraid of demons and devils. I sing “You Are My Sunshine” in harmony with myself and try to visualize the sparkling water, clear and clean.

At stroke of three, I hear the first bird of day chirp and I know I will live but I fear for a bird that would not know that day is hours away. Is it lost or hurt or confused? I peek just once to see if the sun is close to the horizon.

The clock is my enemy moving at a creeping pace and I walk down the stairs to stop the pendulum. I will not listen to the ticking toward my death. Night will suck all that is joyful and happy from my soul and when the day does finally come I will be empty eyed and without a whisper of hope.

Night is always darkest just before the dawn,
a phrase that is suppose to give comfort. But for me it says that when I think it is as bad as it can be, it will be worse, dimmer, less even than before.
As the day breaks I am reminded of all those time I flew to the hospital to comfort a parent or a child…sleepless and weary with tears in my eyes. I am not ready to face the day until it is fully broken and brightly shining. No dim pre-dawn for me.

Night is not my friend…it never enfolds me in restful sleep, it never calms me with cool breezes and nighttime song bird. Night is to be endured, survived and left behind.

b

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8 thoughts on “Sunday Scribblings…Night

  1. Wow, that’s powerful, giving night one of the baddest raps I’ve ever known! This dark vision is lit with fearsomely awesome imagery: night crawling up on the doorstep; halting the pendulum of death; coming off the thieving night empty-eyed and hopeless… Great, great stuff!

  2. where as i love the night,, i need and desire the sun during the day.. when i first moved to nor cal i thought i would literally die.. i had no idea it was cloudy and gray and foggy and cold more than 6 months out of the year!!! holy cow… why then do they call it sunny california?????i have adjusted,, but i have to say it has altered the way i see life,, and taken much of the zest out of it for me….

  3. I relate to this very much – Somtimes those nights of sitting up wondering if I might die still haunt me. You describe it wonderfully. I always hated the term “Darkest before the dawn” – bull.:D

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